One of life's little Let-Downs

It's the alarm clock at 5:57 in the morning. It signals that I am still alive and well. That is not the let-down. The let-down comes shortly after the fog lifts and I recognize what my life has become. I wake up, go to a short-term job situation, come home, and get to do it all over again.

The let-down is that I am not moving away from this situation. It is like a ditch on the side of the road. I'm standing in it and instead of stepping out of it like a sane person I grab a shovel and I'm digging it deeper. You know, so that it's extra hard to get out of.

I was a fresh, ripe, impeccable peach sitting on the road-side stand waiting for someone to say, "That's the one I want!" I'm fermenting. Several months out of college, I'm beginning to get soft around the edges.

The dream is still out there, but I am starting to doubt myself. I hate doubt. It is an extra voice in my brain. I already have the voice of my mother, my father, my two older brothers, and my largest critic-- myself. I don't need to have a doubter in my head.

Needless to say, there are very few to no people to talk to about all this. Everyone just wants to tell me how great I am and how wonderful my resume looks and how anyone would be lucky to have me working for them. (pssst... *in the voice of wisdom* I'd have a job if all this were true... or at least some direction).