"It"

My brain is wandering. There isn't anything to do. The internet has lost it's appeal and I am sitting in a basement where the fluorescent glare combined with the glow of over 50 computers causes eye strain in ways I can't even describe.

This isn't the way it's supposed to be. I feel like this is "it." The "it" you feel resigned to do, but can't figure out why. The "it" you drive for hours to get to in the morning. The "it" that promotes recycled air and no sunlight. The "it" you can't bring yourself to hate, but you can't even begin to enjoy. Once upon a time "it" might have intrigued me, but I now know there is something out there I am supposed to be doing. "It" isn't this.

Sometimes I feel like a tiny ant in a huge ant hill. Everyone around me is going about their daily tasks and working just fine, but then there is me with my hands up screaming at the sky, "What about me?" This is the true feeling of being lost. I know where I am all the time. I'm at work, I'm in my car, I'm at home... But it is not a job I should be doing, I don't officially own my car yet, and it's my parents home.

I'm a guest in my own life. I'm between a here and there. Do I make roots here? What if I can't stay here? My feet are just beginning to sink a little deeper in the soil and every time I have to start over is getting harder and harder to pull them out.