When it's time to say goodbye

Why is saying goodbye so hard. I can't imagine how I can still cry, I feel like I've cried myself dry for days. On my way to school I talked with the vet's assistant about putting Sissi to sleep and I cried for the whole ten minute conversation. I know it makes the person on the other end of the phone feel uncomfortable, but I just couldn't stop.

I really hate crying.

I want to be brave for my baby, but every time I see her I just break down.

People call me daily about it. I love that people are there for me, but then I cry more. I don't like being so sad. Pople made me laugh like I have never laughed in a long time last night and it felt so good. Anyway...

Diddlina won't have to be put to sleep until the tumor makes her uncomfortable. She is taking care of Sissi. It just feels like everything is falling a part. I need some GOOD news right about now!

Sad

I have to get Sissi put to sleep tomorrow... and possibly Diddlina on Friday. They have just gotten so sick. It is the type of sick I know cannot be fixed. The doctors will want to try, but I have gone through this twice before and I just know that it is impossible.

Tumbleweed and now THIS!

Once upon a time as a high school senior my parents began the process of moving to El Paso. It was spring break in Pascagoula and I got to leave the ocean city to look at houses in the desert. As you can imagine I wasn't completely thrilled. One morning during breakfast, a Mexican restraunt in a strip mall, I just kept looking at the sand and cacti outside shaking my head. It was then that a real tumbleweed blew across the parking lot. It was all a bit too much for me. The only times I ever went to El Paso was during breaks in my first years of college. One trip I got a sand storm as a welcoming... Things were just strange.

My parents have moved again. They build a house in TX still, out in the country, and I am happy to say there is tons of grass. Last night while watching TV on my parents floor, it is the only TV that works right now, I spied something that looked a lot like an earwig walking around. I wasn't concerned about it. I was trying to watch a movie.

The "earwig" then began marching straight towards me.

I got a little concerned, tore my eyes from the TV, and screamed like a little girl.

Marching towards me on a direct path was a scorpian with its stinger flopped over its back. It was no more than two inches long and it took me a minute to react... I thought that they were bigger.

I got up and started running around, what can I kill it with? My parents haven't unpacked much and the room is full of boxes. I ran to the closet, grabbed my mother's white dress shoe, and began to try and kill the scorpian. Even in dying the scorpian's tail is trying to sting the shoe and even long after the body isn't moving the tail is just going. AHHHHH!

So now I am paranoid. One little sting could do some damage. If the bee sting I got was any evidence.

Roaches are gross but this is down right scarey.

A Day like Today

Do you ever have one of those days where you need to wake up early (4:15 a.m.) and get things done, but when the alarm goes off for the first time you mash the snooze (nine extra minutes). But then you just keep hitting it.

It becomes desperate.

At some point you hit the snooze and then set your cell phone to wake you up in five minutes thinking the extra alarm will kick you out of the funk.

You let it ring for a min.

It is now 5.

Then there is no memory of getting up to hit the snooze (the alarm clock is across the room to promote getting out of bed).

It is now 6.

Oh no.

Panic sets in, because now the situation is desperate.

That was me this morning. Luckily I was able to get everything done, but my body and mind are so over-worked these days I just can't make it function right. Coffee isn't working anymore either.

I need the weekend like a monkey needs a banana.

A Rant on My Creative Non-Fiction Class

If there was ever a time to rant it would be now. I do not look artsy or that cool creative writer type or even the savvy somewhat sexy journalist type. I prance in wearing scrubs or soccer clothes many times with a burnt orange hoodie (my salute to my semester at UT Austin) and my hair in a messy wet ponytail (evidence that I visit the gym AND shower right before class).

I get looks of disgust or maybe amusement.

Maybe it was the creative nonfiction piece I did on the need to treat rats humanely (I can post this if anyone cares to read it).

The other day I referenced "The Garden State" and how much I really liked the movie.

One of the "too cool for school" kids gave it a big thumbs down complete with the tongue-out "fart" noise and a boistrus "TERRIBLE MOVIE, don't waste your time. Uh!"

My face turned red and I had no comment.

I had no idea that people still behave that way when in objection to something.

I guess I am not cool enough for them.

But as the last comment of the film was:

"Life hurts."

Despite what People Think... Not Ok

Not too long ago a friend and I were trying to find a certain wine store. We were traveling down a road we normally travel on, yet we just weren't seeing the store. Everything was normal, or at least about as normal as things get around here. There was a small bridge that went over a canal or something to that effect and then we were in no man's land. I am guessing eight feet of water or maybe even 12 to 15 feet of murky orange-ish brown water once sat for an unknown amount of time in this area. The difference between this area and the area I live in is how long the water sat. The four to five feet of water was gone within a day in my area, but this water just sat. You can tell by the water line on the houses and even on the road sign. Note that there is a sign above the sign I took a picture of and it has water lines all the way to the top as well. In this area there are random houses that look like they emploded or randomly one house had two trees fall from different directions on it. I rolled down my windows and I can't even begin to explain the smell of the area that was only accentuated by the 80 degree heat. I think that my apartment has some of that same smell. I am probably getting sick all the time because there is mold everywhere, even though the downstairs apartments were being torn up virtually right after tht storm. My rats are getting sick too. Many people think that New Orleans is ok... My prediction for the next 20 years would be, "not ok."

Seriously

I just read my last entry. I was a little bit dramatic. Or a lot. I really don't come off that way in person. When you see me I probably look a little too relaxed, but my mind is racing. Typically I am thinking about ten different things and how I can get them done the quickest and the best.

I have decided that I am keeping my rejection letters. My brother had a wall of rejection in his apartment during the job hunt and he and his roommate had a competition on how could get more.

I miss having a roommate. There's no conflict in living alone, which at times is nice, but over all is lonely.

Talking to my pet rats, as though they are people, would make me a candidate for the nutter house, so I just don't do it. Talking to myself... ditto.

I am running out of options lol.

I need to stop being so dramatic. It's a turn off. I know.

Sorry

Sorry I haven't written in a long time. Life has gone from messy to just out right sloppy! By this I mean the job hunt!

No one wants to hire an entry level college student. How am I supposed to get the experience if no one will hire me!?

I am freaking out.

I can't graduate without a job!

I mean I have one... you know that preschool teacher thing...

Sigh.

I think I am going to go back to my internetless apartment and freak out in solitude...
because I am still...
without a doubt...
single...
with no prospects.

Jobless and loveless.

You can't kick me now. I'm already down.